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The Stock Market’s Most Forgettable Stars: A Roast of Wall Street’s Background Characters
Not every stock can be Nvidia.
Some are destined for greatness. Others? They’re just… there. Publicly traded, technically operating, but emotionally invisible. They’re the stocks you forget you own. The ones your portfolio lets hang around like that guy in the group chat who never says anything but still gets invited and sometimes shows up.
Today, we honor them. With flame.
This is your official MacroHint roast of Wall Street’s least cinematic characters—stocks that promised magic but delivered PowerPoint decks, negative margins, and the occasional coupon code.
Ocean Power Technologies (NASDAQ: OPTT)
Tagline: Saving the planet one penny stock at a time.
They make wave energy buoys. Which is cool.
Until you realize they’ve been public for two decades, still make under $10M a year, and have never turned a profit.
This stock is so diluted it should come with a hydrating serum label.
If vibes were revenue, they’d be Apple. But they’re not. They’re just a concept in a press release, floating off the coast of maybe-someday.
Wayfair (NYSE: W)
Tagline: There’s a 70% off sale on this business model, too.
Wayfair crushed it in 2020—selling overpriced furniture to pandemic-fueled buyers with stimulus cash and back pain.
Then came the return shipping bills. And the ad spend. And the realization that discounting yourself into oblivion isn’t exactly a prudent strategy.
They’re now basically Overstock in a nicer font, with a side of weak margins and strong warehouse overhead.
Blue Apron (formerly NASDAQ: APRN)
Tagline: The meal kit that cooked its own valuation.
This one was so hyped it IPO’d hot, flamed out, then got acquired for less than the cost of its box inserts.
They nailed marketing. Missed unit economics. Turns out you can’t ship tiny carrots across state lines for $9 and call it innovation.
A textbook lesson in how growth without retention is just churn with PR.
El Pollo Loco (NASDAQ: LOCO)
Tagline: The most neutral burrito on Wall Street.
El Pollo Loco isn’t bad. But it’s also not growing, innovating, expanding, or particularly memorable.
It’s the Ham Sandwich of restaurant stocks—fine, inoffensive, forgettable.
They’ve been public for nearly a decade and have never found a second gear. Just Mexican food vibes, citrus marinade, and side-channel salsas that no one orders.
C3.ai (NYSE: AI)
Tagline: Artificial intelligence. Actually imaginary profits.
The ticker is AI. Which is great branding.
The business? Not so much.
Revenue growth is slowing. Earnings are AWOL. And the company seems to think saying “AI” enough times on an earnings call will cause analysts to pass out and upgrade them.
It’s like if OpenAI had a cousin that went to business school and dropped out to sell software to government contractors with a 20-year sales cycle.
The Final Scene: These Stocks Are Technically Alive
Let’s be clear: none of these companies are dead.
But they’re the stock market’s version of limbo—no upside, no momentum, and just enough news flow to stay listed.
They’re not short squeezes.
They’re not value plays.
They’re just… publicly drifting.
And that, friends, is what makes them the most roastable stocks in the game.
Honorable Mentions (Coming Soon to a Watchlist Near You)
- Big Lots – The Dollar General clone nobody asked for
- GoPro – Still filming… still fading
- Virgin Galactic – Space tourism, grounded dreams
SmileDirectClub (RIP) – Straight teeth, crooked cap table
DISCLAIMER: This analysis of the aforementioned stock security is in no way to be construed, understood, or seen as formal, professional, or any other form of investment advice. We are simply expressing our opinions regarding a publicly traded entity.
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